Sunday, June 29, 2008
Trainwreck.
{2:51 AM}


It’s been a while and people are bugging me to post an entry soon. It’s not that I don’t want to, but because I can’t afford to.

These few weeks has been hectic. I know. Even people around me are saying so; yes even those who don’t know me on a personal note. I really have no idea what I got myself in the first place. The many nights that I come home at around 9 pm made me realise that first of all, school has become my home and my home has become a hotel. I really feel bad cause at the end of the day, I get tired, I get cranky and my mom usually gets the end of the stick. It’s not how I want it to be, but rather, it’s something I think I’m reacting against. It’s been tiring. It’s been too tiring.

There are lot of things on my mind now. NAQ, Poly Experience, Parent’s Forum, FLC, studies, family, friends and many others. I really do not know how I’m going to cope with all that. With that, I honestly thank the people who had stood by my side throughout this whole course. I won’t mention names cause they know who they are and I couldn’t ask for more. Tutors have came up to me, asking me why I’m so involved in so many things and were worried that my grades are going to be on the line. I don’t even know what to tell them. The constant lies I gave to them was that, I could cope with everything. I barely have time for tutorials, I have to listen to a lot of crapload from people and on top of that, I need to scourge for time in order to have my social life. That’s sad, ain’t it?

I look at everyone around me leading a carefree life. With nothing to plan and no worries. Somehow, I missed my life back then in year one. There was nothing to do and my days were filled up with watching tv and hanging out with friends. There were also enough time for me to remain consistent with my tutorials. I’m sorry Charles. I feel like I’ve let you down. There’s many a times that I promised I will tone down on my activities but I failed to do so. Like I said, I should just stick to what I’m still doing best - academics.

The one thing I hate about people is how they quickly jump to conclusions and makes assumptions. And how selfish people can get. The thing people assume is that when they see me is that I’m more than capable to handle everything on my own and then they will scoot off to do their own projects and all. Seriously? It’s appalling. I’m sick of the fact that I need to cover your shitload just so you can get good grades cause I don’t. That’s plain stupid. I’m not born a genious and I need to make time for my own projects as well. I seriously hope that people will start thinking. It doesn’t take much to think for others before self. Sometimes, I feel like quitting. I feel like people should learn that they can do things without me telling them to do so.

Honestly, I need to set my priorities right. Exams is in six weeks and here I am, lazing around cause I’m just too tired to do my tutorials. I need enjoyment in my life. I honestly need to feel like I have a social life. Thing is, I don’t even need CCA points. I’m doing these things cause I enjoy doing so and there’s the learning experience to think about. I’m growing every moment.

Charles said that my weakness is that I think about others too much. I worry that people will do badly and constantly have to remind these people that they can do well. But who’s going to suffer at the end of the day? Me. Cause while I encourage them to do well, my grades becomes the victim of my graciousness.

MEH. Like honestly, I’m just too tired of continuing further.

I had so many things that I want to achieve in this semester. And slowly, it’s fading away from me. I guess, when the opportunity cost is high, I have to give up some things. However, I’m still pondering on what I should give up now.

Every second wasted is very precious so I will get back to getting my life back on track.

If you have something to comment, feel free to do so. I could use some feedback.