Thursday, July 31, 2008
The final straw.
Today was the last straw for me.
Honestly, I don't know why friendships never work out for me. Or rather, I do not know why people treat me the way they do. Frankly speaking, I have no more words for you. Pardon me for keeping mum the whole period but I just do not know how to put my words across to you.
It was a very bad day to begin with for me. I was down with flu, cough and fever yet I still made my way down to school. I have no idea why I did that when I could easily gotten a MC and stayed at home instead to recuperate. Then came the message. You had your dad to send you to school. Great! Amazing! Voila! But don't your brains and our friendship at least work hand in hand? Instead of messaging, "Sorry my dad sending me to school. See you in school k?", can't you offer me a lift as well since we only live a street away? This was not the first time. It happened back then at Grand Copthorne as well. You offered someone else a ride (and she lives further away than you did) instead of me. Did you know how much my heart break when you did that? Everyone one else wondered why you did that? I could only carry my heavy heart off and just say I have no clue at all.
Yes, you mentioned that I'm always so sarcastic to you and always citing your flaws. Did you know that at the end of the day, you hurt me more than I have ever hurt you. Did you know I cried two days ago cause I felt that you couldn't see the underlying concern I had for you?
All you ever did was point at my mistakes. Those which are blatantly obvious. You failed to see your own faults. When the three of us are together, I feel like I was an extra. Sometimes, you would even gossip in front of me secretly and I feel like a fool. You would only talk to me when we are alone on the bus home, or going to school. What do you treat me as? A substitute? Sometimes, I feel that going to school with me was an obligation. Back in the past, I felt so pathetic cause I had to ask you every night if you wanted to go school together. Never once did you ask me. When I didn't ask, you went ahead. Sometimes, you are late. What did I do? I waited for you. Even when we were late. I never once blamed you.
Today, you asked me to sit beside you. When I asked why? Because your friend was not here and there was a space. Have it occured to you how that hurts? It's no use. It's not me alone. I don't even care a shit about what you do.
You said today, I ignored the both of you. Imagine the days when you avoided me and not even care about my existence. Remembered last semester when I practically had to beg in order to eat lunch with all of you when we are one clique just because we had different timetables. Hence, you all forgot all about me. How's that?
This semester, I thought we finally bonded. But I guess not. Even when doing projects, we were unhappy. Like everytime I gave deadlines, then you and your friend would sulk, the latter more of it. And I don't like the fact that you guys are constantly rubbing to my face that I'm an AD student. It hurts. Why would you do that? I seem to have taken it with a lot of pride but inside, I question why would you use grades as a tool against me.
Everytime I ask you to study, it's for your own good. I want you to do well. I want you to learn from your mistakes. I find that it's plain stupid. Cause at the end, I only cause you undue stress just because I want you to strive for that A. If you feel that you can't get an A even if you worked hard, I do not know what to say. I'm always the bad person in the end anyways. Even when someone selfishly chose to separate classes with the two of you, I stood by. Cause I believed that we can pull through this race together. HE specifically told me he didn't want to work with the both of you because you guys are not working your ass off for his grades. But I defended you guys and said that if I wanted an A, I would work together with the both of you to earn it. But, I am the bad guy, am I not?
So, on Tuesday, I asked if you all wanted to eat out. Answer given was that no money and needed to go home to study. Instead, you went Orchard. So much for studying! And on yesterday, you had time to go Jurong Point to eat? Got money? Got time? No need study? Okaaaay fine. You didn't even bother asking if I wanted to go. You only had to wait two hours for me to finish my tutorial. If it was me, I would have waited. For you, it's a waste of time.
I was there when you cried after getting your RFA CT results and I was there when you said you beat _______ in tax. You were so damn happy about it cause you felt that finally you did something right and had a sense of satisfaction.
I didn't know drive to great success and grades is affecting our friendship. Everyone competes with each other; even their friends. Even you silently are competing with ______.
Never once have I genuinely felt happy about my grades cause I was thinking of you. Other people celebrate good grades together (even when they do not do well) but you guys are more concerned with being sarcastic about it with referrals to my grades.
This is it. I'm giving up. It's the race to the examinations and I don't care about you anymore. Go and decide what you want to do with your life. We have different goals in life and different wavelengths. I hate to always give in when I never gain anything back in return.
You tell me what would you do in my position?
Up till now, I'm still running fever, flu and cough. This is so effed up.
Sorry Charlyn, you are not to be blamed for this. I deeply apologised about this but you already knew what happened. Thanks for being there for me. I know how you feel and I'm sorry because I already made my decision. It's the end for me.
And no worries, I know I have other friends to count on (and you know who you are) and of course my best friend, Hel, who turns 23 today. I love you a lot. Thanks for being there for me at the deepest pits. We shall meet up soon.
PS: Belinda, thanks for lending me your jacket. I really appreciate it.