Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Friend or Foe?
I always hate the pre exams stress. It gets to everyone and by that, I mean, myself included. As the days drew in nearer and nearer, I feel like I'm gasping for time to breath. In less than three weeks, the exams would be here. Then comes one week of exams. It would then be followed by three weeks of relaxation and then the results are out. Some of us would then rejoice for joy or some would teared up in disappointment. I would honestly rather have the former. Like for real.
I guess disappointments have tired me out insane. I remembered the days where I used to ask why everytime things didn't go my way. Back in secondary school and back in ite. Somehow, I kinda missed my ITE days. I missed the closeness of my own clique. It wasn't smooth sailing though. I changed cliques THREE times in the course of two years.
My first cliques was the worst. I ended up making bitter enemies with this one bitch in my group who constantly flaunted her grades in front of me. She got second in class while I got third (and I tied with two other people). The next sem, she dropped out of the top ten. I couldn't my laughter. Practically after the first sem, she kept harping on her grades. Fuck you bitch. I still hate her. I do.
My second clique was the one I treasured the most. But things went ugly cause we fought over grades. It wasn't me who started it. THEM. The two girls whom I loved so much. They kept saying that I always abandon them just because I was an A student. That wasn't true. At the end of the day, I was there by their side but when I needed help, I had to ask from others. It was really bad. We became enemies for one semester just because I had to work my ass off to go poly. I'm really glad things cleared up now though.
My final clique was awesome. They were all striving to get good grades to make it to uni and I'm glad/proud to say that EVERY single one in the clique went to poly. We rocked. I'm honoured to be in the same group as you were. Lotsa love.
AND THEN. It came to poly.
Honestly, I never knew what to expect in poly. No confidence at all. But I felt God blessed me with good results to tell me that with hard work and perseverance, I could do it. After that, second semester passed by and told me that with constant perseverance, I would do pretty well.
But one thing still remained. I dunno. Today's table topics brought a lot of emotions to me. One topic done by HuiXian was "Singaporeans are obssessed with being number one." Who isn't? I knew I wanted to be the best. But somehow I didn't believe in myself. But I did it. Do I want it another time? Of course I do. But it's true what she said. In my bid to get my number one, I lost of things.
I lost my social life. I lost my friends. I lost every single confidence there is for me. Sometimes, I sit and wonder. Is my path to success affecting every single other routes out there for me? I have no idea. I find myself crying sometimes. I feel like I am alone and somehow I feel that no one understands me.
My friend, I apologize greatly for the things that I have done to you.
When you cried upon receiving your results, I cried with you. I bet you didn't know that but I did. I could feel the pain in your heart. This semester, you promised me that you would work hard but I feel that you didn't. When you received your common test results, you cried again. I didn't know what to do. I feel so lost. I feel like I have failed as your friend, who was supposed to be there to guide you along. Sometimes, I don't know how to console you. And I feel like I can't even rejoice at my own achievements.
Today, I was so sorry that I appear disinterested in the tutorial. I felt that as a friend, I should not be spoon feeding you. I had to make you think on your own. I needed to prepare you for your examinations.
I fear that the day during first sem would happen yet again. When you walked away from me, tearing up cause you felt pressurised studying with me. I didn't mean it that way and I hope you understand my intentions. All I wanted was that everyone would be able to score well and celebrate together.
Recall the first time we met up when we received our results, I felt so out of place. Everyone else was talking about their grades and I only kept quiet. I didn't know what to say.
Till this day, I don't think I have changed one bit. And I only want the best for you. Our end destinations after poly may not be the same but I want you to know that we have both worked our ways through poly to the best of our abilities.
I may not be the person who shows you the concern and care the way you wanted it to be, but let it be known that deep down inside, you will always have my faith in you.
A friend was lost because of grades and competition. I really do not want to lose another. It's pointless. At the end of the day, our friendship is measured with a lot of other aspects, not in grades. It's just silly.
With that, I wish everyone the best in your studies.